Part 3: Swami Nithyananda's Record at Healing

Swami Nithyananda's Quackery Clone Pales to a Comparison
When we last left you in our blog post from yesterday, "Part 2: Nithyananda's Record at Healing" (recommended to read before Part), poor Swami Nithyananda almost had his five-hour lunch served by a real cute female disciple disturbed in order to answer more questions about Swami Nithyananda's healing record. Fortunately, we agreed to do the interview around five o'clock when Swami Nithyananda was finished sampling all of his tasty treats.

I enter Swami Nithyananda's personal quarters. His hair looks like he's been sleeping, but he looks, well, very drained. Wow, thanks, there, Swami Nithyananda. Rrraugghhmmm. My translator in gruntnese says that means to make it quick. Say, isn't that a pair of panties on the floor? Sri Nithyananda, were you getting in touch with your female energies or were you 'shedding' some of those female energies? Raragrruama. Oh, my Gruntanese translator tells me he's really pissed now. Better go lightly.

OK, Sri Nithyananda, since you're a healing 'enlightened' master, do you prioritize giving healing to those that ask? Swami Nithyananda, you will say, "Yes" (in that standard Gruntanese), but guess what, I will say, "Not really." Sri Nithyananda during the opening ceremony for the Vedic Temple in Montclair, so you remember how there were about six handicapped people lined up in wheel chairs, etc. waiting for your healing? And, did you attend to them? "Arghhhh", you, Sri Nithyananda, say. (That means, "of course", in Gruntanese. You know, I was beginning to wonder where Swami Nithyananda learned to talk like a nethanderal man, and then I remembered; A CLICK! It must be natural to him. He lived in a cave for nine months after claiming to be 'enlightened'.) Yes, Sri Nithyananda, I think you eventually saw those people... after making them wait hours and hours. Did you, Swami Nithyananda, do this to make them value your 'healing' session even more? Or, did you, Sri Nithyananda, so this to use them as 'marketing props', so everyone who came to the temple could see that you, Sri Nithyananda, real live handicapped people waiting to be 'healed' by you, an 'enlightened 'healing' master? Or, did you do it because you, Sri Nithyananda, know that your so-called 'healing' is a load of cow dung and that everyone will see firsthand that these people will have no change in their lives? Anyway, I hope that you, Sri Nithyananda, at least gave them a crossword puzzle or something to help them pass all that time. While I'm waiting for your answer, I think I will work on my crossword puzzle now. Sri Nithyananda, what's a nine-letter word that describes your operation? The first four letters are C-H-A-R and the last three letters are T-A-N. (Click Here to find out the answer. Come on, it's pretty good.)

And, Swami Nithyananda, what about your ashramites? Is their health pretty good? Sri Nithyananda, if they can stand and work, that doesn't mean that they are healthy. After all, you make them work! work! work! with no sleep! no sleep! no sleep! in order to build your empire in record time. Without having much sleep, are you, Sri Nithyananda, afraid that they might get sick or hurt? Oh, yes, you will take care of it. I remember that's a standard line down at the ashram. Did you take care of it after Sevakananda, Paramananda, and Bhatkananda had all those auto accidents? And, wasn't there some white guy in your ashram that worked so hard that he fell asleep at the wheel while driving a big truck on the freeway, much to the horror of his passenger from Ohio? Wow, Sri Nithyananda, I guess you're right. It would only take a miraculous 'healing' master to prevent them from having a serious or fatal accident. Just the same, I never saw a bunch of cars get dented so fast than visiting your ashram.

Now, that you, Sri Nithyananda, have taken care of that part of not having any sleep, how about the health issues of having sleep deprivations? After all, wouldn't it be nice to have healthy ashramites to represent an 'enlightened' healing master? Sri Nithyananda, you do recommend meditation and yoga? Or, at least that's a way you, Swami Nithyananda, can draw people into your organization. So with all that sattvic (pure) food, meditations, and yoga, how come a lot of your ashramites got so overweight?

Swami Nithyananda. Hello. Swami Nithyananda. Do'h! Sumadhi again. I have one last picture. Oh, Sri Nithyananda, here's a very pretty picture of an ideal disciple of yours. She obviously pays a lot of attention to where her 'inner world' meets the 'outer world', in fact, that's probably why she's a lingerie model.

Sri Nithyananda, welcome back. So, why did the ashramites get so super-sized? Oh, I remember now. They don't need to do any of that meditation and yoga stuff. They're already 'enlightened'. And, besides, you will take care of them... and doing service is much better than that beginner's stuff like meditations and yoga. So, that explains all those extra pounds. True, Swami Nithyananda, you do 'require' your ashramites to do Nithya Dhyaan, your standard meditation everyday, early in the morning... but the ashramites are never held accountable to do that... and when they just had three hours of sleep, getting up to do Nithya Dhyaan just doesn't seem that worth while when you just experienced the ecstasy of sleep deprivations. So, that's how you get all of your ashramites to have visions, just take away their sleep and then their body logic takes over their mind logic. Makes perfect sense to me. So, I'm getting an understanding, Swami Nithyananda, you let your ashramites get so overweight out of your compassion and love. For now, with your ashramites, there's definitely more to love. Crystal clear.

Then of course there is your golden boy, Swami Medhananda. Wow, Sri Nithyananda, Swami Medhananda is sure good at imitating you. Medhananda knows all of your stories and the same Osho jokes that you, Sri Nithyananda, also tell. Some think that he is the only one of your disciples, besides you, Sri Nithyananda, who is genuinely enlightened. Swami Nithyananda, do you think that instead of Sri Nithya Medhananda Swami, a better name would be Sri Nithya Mini-Meananda Swami? Maybe you can wait until his last documentation such as credit cards, driver license, passport, everything is changed over to his latest spiritual name, then you can change his name from Sri Nithya Medhananda Swami to Sri Nithya Mini-Meananda Swami? What do you think? That would be perfect in making sure that you, Sri Nithyananda, are really 'working on him'.

So, Sri Nithyananda, if Swami Medhananda is like your Mini-Me, do you think that it might be a good investment to perform some laser eye surgery so that Swami Medhananda is not wearing those thick coke-bottom-glasses? And, Sri Nithyananda, you really need to let Swami Medhananda see a doctor about his swollen feet that has that inflamed skin condition with peeling skin oozing with inflected blisters. Sri Nithyananda, I know that is probably why you require him to wear sandals and socks indoors everywhere. A lot of people think that Swami Medhananda's foot attire is part of an entitlement package of being enlightened. Yes, having Swami Medhananda wearing shoes and socks does add to both of your mystics. Brilliant idea, there, Sri Nithyananda. Swami Medhananda's footwear requirement not only keeps your reputation intact but also prevents anyone from getting the same disease that Swami Medhananda has. I guess that is called preventative healing. Good on you, Nithyananda. This way, those donations keep flowing and you do not have to spend a single dime on a doctor. That’s good business sense.